Married Life: The Pronoun Problem

I got married at what I would consider young. I was 23, had already graduated with my college degree and had a full-time job. I was ready to marry my best friend, the man that I knew I was meant to be with. I was fully aware of what I was getting into.

Many people warned me about marriage. How annoying it can be; how hard it can be; but how it's worth it in the end. I felt my future husband and I were both very logical about our decision to get married and both of our families supported us.

We tied the knot on October 12, 2012.

And what I learned in the first year of our marriage, is something no one warned me about.

No matter how logically prepared for marriage you think you are, you aren't. There's something that happens when you get married: nothing is yours. Nothing. You may think it's yours, but it's not. It's what I call the pronoun problem.

Before marriage and even during your engagement, things are still "mine" "I" "yours". Sure, there will be things you share, but it's still not "we" or "ours". That changed when we got married and let's just say I wasn't prepared for it.

I thought of the bedroom as "my bedroom" and the couch as "my couch". Sure, it was my husband's too but it was mine. Well, I'm telling you it's not. And in the first six months of being married, it was something I had to learn to get over.

If we had a small argument, even if it was in jest, I would say "well that's mine" and my husband would say "no it's not, it's ours". Wait, what? What do you mean MY pillow is YOURS and that soap that I BOUGHT isn't MINE?

When you get married, things aren't divided in half anymore. They are whole. That pillow, even if you use it, is your husband's. The furniture you bought, is his too. This may not sound like a big deal, but it's very hard to combine lives - let alone objects.

I am not a submissive person. I like to fight for what I think is right; I'm outspoken and I'm not quick to compromise. But in a marriage, there are sacrifices you need to make to keep your spouse happy. I'm not talking about picking up their underwear off of the bathroom floor every morning, or maybe I am.

I remember one instance in particular, when we were getting heated about money. I was very stubborn about how my salary was spent. I remember yelling from the top of the stairs,"I work and I make money and I will do whatever I want with it."

Just pause for a second. He pays our bills too. And how mean can I possibly get? Thank God for my gracious husband. I would've kicked me out. In my selfish mind, I thought I had the right to buy whatever I wanted. This simply isn't true. When you get married, you become a team. How could I forget this so easily? I had even written it in my vows. We are a team. Nothing is mine. It is OURS.

I've since corrected my pronoun problem, because I understand we are in this together. If I wanted to be married to myself and not have to share my towels with anyone, I'd be living a very lonely life.

To combat selfishness, we give each other grace. There are days where I want a manicure and I simply won't have it any other way; he gives me grace and $20. There are days where he really, really needs to order something useless on Amazon, and I have to let myself let him.

The best thing I've learned in the first nearly-two years of marriage is to have grace; and re-learn my pronouns.